Satisfaction with the Frustratingly Annoying and Bothersome Feelings

                  Satisfaction with the Appearance of Frustratingly Annoying and Bothersome Feelings


Can you tell?

I’ve been annoyed and frustrated lately.

I know what it’s about and recognize that there’s not much I can do to change the situation right now. And, that’s reality. I have no control over the perceptions and judgments of others. I can only decide what I can do with this set of feelings that has been hounding me.     

The more difficult part of this for me, is that what I am frustrated and annoyed about is not only the ‘thing’, but rather that I have no voice in this.

The resonance of the feeling of being unheard clangs hard against the edges within me, reverberating along the long tunnels of emptiness and alone- ness. The sound threatens to drown me in its uneven waves. I am sharing my truth here, so that my voice finds its medium, and thus can reach the world. I don’t want it to be lost under a pile of irrelevance, moldy and greying.

My current frustration is that I want to tell the truth.

Not everybody wants to hear the truth- mine or anybody else’s. It seems threatening to others to have to look at a perspective that is different than their own. Others may then do their best to discredit the truth sayer (think Donald Trump in his best form of painting ethical people as bad, treasonous…)

I acknowledge that my way is NOT the only way. I have enough life experiences to know that like in many other aspects of life, one size does NOT fit all when it comes to journeying with those who are healing. But I know one way, and I know it well. I know that it is informed by science and spirituality. I know that it works.

My frustration comes from the current paradigm of health, medicine, and distrustfulness.

And still, I choose to tell the truth.

I am unconcerned if my words and images are inconvenient for those who cannot see beyond their own deficient paradigm. It is certainly more than inconvenient to stand in what I know.

The truth.

The truth is that I made this picture at the urging of my own therapist.

It’s not ‘pretty’ in the way I have been making art this summer, but it has been oh, so satisfying.

The truth is that it represents the frustration of the choices I have made, and the alone- ness of staying true to oneself.

The truth is that there is nothing else. I choose to continue to stand in what I know and tell you, all of you, one at a time, that there is more than one way to fill your heart with the love of living.

This process piece, that has layers of paint and paper, bits ripped off of other paintings I had started, exhibits the alone- ness of me, fenced off from the world with decrepit, and rusting barriers. It is profoundly personal, and yet I’m sure that it will speak to others. I hope it it will give voice to some of your truth. I wish for you to scrape away at the layers and find the place where you can stand.

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